Shadows

By M. Willow

Chapter Twelve

The sound of footsteps echoed in the tiny space.  Hutch could hear him now, moving around, no doubt planning his next move.  The thought chilled him.  Death was about to come knocking and he couldn’t do a damn thing about it.

Thump, thump, thump.

It sounded like he was dragging something and he knew what it was. He felt a tear trickle down his cheek.  He was helpless, couldn’t do anything to help.    

Silenced followed.  He must have gone outside, he thought.  Now was the time to escape.  He screamed, hoping someone would come.  His hands clawed at something that kept him in place.  He had to get out.  He had to get away.  But it was no use.  Soon he heard the footsteps again.  He was coming.

Starsky was coming in the house when he heard the strangled scream of his best friend.  He wasted no time in charging into the library, finding Hutch huddled in a corner of the spacious room. 

Hutch’s eyes were wide, frantic.  Starsky approached the blond cautiously and was grateful when his partner’s eyes met his.

“Hutch,” he said.  He could see that Hutch was trembling.

“I’m okay, Starsk.  Just another nightmare.”

Starsky came and sat next to his partner, his shoulders touching the trembling blond.

“Hutch, talk to me.”

I had a nightmare. That’s all.”

“It’s almost like the last time, Hutch.  Maybe this house is doing somethin’ to ya.”

Hutch struggled to his feet, Starsky supporting him as he rose.

“I just think I’m tired,” the blond said heading to the overstuffed chair and plopping down.

Starsky took the chair opposite him observing the tense posture of his friend.

“Hutch, tell me what’s going on.  You know you can tell me anything.”

“Nothing, damn it.  Nothing going on with me except I hate this damn house, I hate being here, I hate…hate…”

“Your parents,” Starsky supplied. “Do you hate your parents?”

Hutch looked at him in stunned silence.  For a moment, he regretted bringing the subject up, but only for a moment.  His partner’s life was at stake.  He didn’t know what was going on at Lamb House, but the urgency to find out was increasing.  The sheriff was talking to someone named Hutchinson and Starsky beloved it was his partner’s father.  He needed to know what he was dealing with. 

“Hutch, this thing is eatin’ you up.  You’ve got to talk about it.”

Hutch locked eyes with him.  “I can’t,” he said, the lost look in his eyes nearly crushing Starsky.  Hutch was hurting and he was at a loss to do anything about it.

“Tell me about your parents,” he said, his voice gentle. 

Hutch turned his face away.  He looked ashamed, like a man who had been through a lot and still bore the scars of it, blaming himself for those scars.

Hutch sat back, his eyes closing as he spoke.  The room was quiet except for the steady tick of the old grandfather clock.

“I guess it’s time.  I can’t keep this from you anymore.  I just don’t have the strength.” 

Starsky settled back in his chair.  He was determined to just listen.  He knew it was taking a lot for Hutch to talk about this.

“My parents never loved me.  You see, I was not what they wanted.”  Hutch paused, the pain firmly etched in his face.

“My father wanted a shinning extension of himself.  A child that played by his rules.  I guess… I guess I was never that child.  I just didn’t fit in.  At first they left me alone.  But after Kelly was born mom found out she couldn’t have anymore kids.  That left me to carry on the family name.  Dad wanted to pass on the Hutchinson legacy only I didn’t like what that legacy was.”

Hutch focused his eyes on Starsky.  The brunet was shocked to see tears in the eyes.  He wanted to go to him, hold him and tell him everything was alright, but there was something in the eyes that told him not to move.  He waited.

Hutch continued.  “My life became unbearable.  My parents focused all their efforts on me.  They found a man named Kevin Anderson.  He wasn’t a doctor or anything, but he was getting results using sensory deprivation as a way to change a person’s behavior.  He said he could get results.  My parents didn’t care how it was done so they sent me away with him.”

Hutch stopped talking and Starsky’s heart jumped in his chest.   He couldn’t believe what he was hearing.  Sensory deprivation was used in the war as a torture technique.  How could any parent subject their child to something like that?

“What did he do to you, Hutch?” Starsky asked when the silence went on to long.

Hutch turned his face to look at Starsky.  “He…he… had this room.  It wasn’t much larger than a closet.  He used to put me in there.  At first it was only for a few hours, but then…he kept increasing the time till I couldn’t tell how long he left me there.  You couldn’t imagine how it felt.  No light, no sound.  I didn’t have the clothes on my back.  He left me with nothing.  Not even the dignity of going to the bathroom.  He took everything from me and even that wasn’t enough.”

Starsky felt utterly helpless.  His partner’s parents had simply walked away leaving him to suffer at the hands of a monster.  They had wanted something from his partner, wanted it enough to sacrifice their only son.  Now he watched the man sitting before him, his life shattered, the pain still evident after all those years.  The past and present colliding and he unable to put the pieces together.  So much missing.  So much he needed to know.  His parents had sent Hutch to hell, and he hadn’t come back yet.

 Starsky desperately searched for words of comfort as he stood and knelt before his partner.  Anything he said would be inadequate.  What could he say to a man who needed love, demanded it from his parents, and was rejected?  What could he say to a man that meant more to him than life itself? 

 “I’m here, Hutch.”  The words so inadequate yet all he had to give.

And Hutch collapsed into his arms as the tears flowed.  Starsky cried too, feeling the pain as though it had happened to him. They held each as his partner sobbed into his chest, his body shaking.  It was some time before the blond was calm enough to speak, but he settled back in his chair, his red-rimmed eyes looking into the eyes of his best friend.

“All those years.  All those years and I still can’t forget.”  His voice was barely above a whisper.  “I feel it now.  The fear of rejection, of being left in that dark place.  It’s why I can’t tell you the rest.  I can’t bare the thought of losing you.  I can’t.”

 Starsky brushed the tear that ran down Hutch’s face.  “You’re never gonna lose me.”

But Hutch shook his head.  Starsky saw the determination in the blond.  He wouldn’t tell him anything, but he had to get as much information as possible.

“Then tell me what you can.  Talk to me.  And when you’re ready, tell me the rest.”

Hutch took a deep breath and spoke.  “After a few days alone in that room, your mind starts playing tricks on you.  You think you hear things that aren’t there.  You can’t tell when you’re awake or asleep.  Your nightmares become real.”

Hutch closed his eyes.  “I thought he was going to leave me there.   That he would go away and never come back.  Do you know what it’s like to hate someone and still need them?  I would have done anything just to hear his voice, anything but what he asked.”

“And what did he ask?” Starsky said slowly, his voice soft, terror gripping his heart.

 “Now you see why I didn’t want to come back here?”

“Hutch, what did he ask??”

“I just don’t want to be here,” Hutch continued, his voice rising.  “My parents came and got me after they got tired of waiting for my so called cure.  They came and got me only I wasn’t the same.  I was afraid—afraid to be alone.  Afraid of being abandoned again.  Afraid they would try again.  But they had a better solution.  They gave me away.  You see, I had become an embarrassment to them so they gave me away like I was some sort of dog.  But god help me I still loved them.  They could have done anything to me and I still loved them.”

“Is that when you went to live with your aunt and uncle?”

“Yes, and I was happy there,” Hutch said quickly. “I had the family I wanted.  I started to pretend they were my parents.  I was so happy.  They loved me.  I at least had that.”

Starsky had observed him under the worst conditions.  He’d seen the blond dodge bullets and risk his life on the streets of Bay City, but he’d never seen him looking so afraid.  Hutch hadn’t answered the question.  There was still a missing piece.

“Hutch, what did Kevin Anderson want you to do?”

“I can’t.  I can’t.  You’ll hate me if you knew.  You wouldn’t want to be around someone like me.”  Hutch opened his eyes, but he turned his face away.

“Hutch, look at me,” he demanded.  When his partner did, he spoke.  “There is nothin’ you can ever do or say to make me hate you.”

Hutch shook his head.  “If you knew, you would.  I…I can’t let that happen.  Don’t you see?  I can’t let that happen.” His voice was bordering on hysteria now.  Starsky knew he would have to back down.

“Hutch, calm down.  You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.”

Hutch stood, nearly knocking Starsky to the floor in his haste to get out of the room.  He was fast, his long legs racing through the house and finally to his car.  Starsky tried to follow him, but the last thing he saw of his partner was the retreating car as it drove down the road.  He couldn’t follow because he didn’t have a car.  He returned to the house wondering what could have been so horrible that his partner couldn’t tell him.  He vowed he would find out.  He had no choice.

TBC