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Shadows

By M. Willow

 

 

 

 

‘Yesterday upon the stair

I met a man who wasn’t there.

He wasn’t there again today

Oh, how I wish he’d go away.’

 

William Hughes Mearns

 

Chapter One

 

Sweat dampened the blond’s face.  He closed his eyes tightly against the growing nausea and concentrated his efforts on listening to the voice. 

 

Hutch’s eyes darted to the seat across from him.  Starsky was late.  For a minute he was angry, but then reality set in.  He wasn’t angry with his partner, he was angry at the voice on the other end of the telephone.

 

“Come home,” it said, as if he still had a home there.  “Come home and settle our aunts estate,” but he couldn’t do that.  Not now, not ever.  Home was here now and his family was Starsky, Dobey, and Huggy.  Home was not Duluth or the sleepy town where his aunt lived.

 

“Please, it’s what she wanted.  You promised Kenneth,”

 

It was Kelly’s pleas cutting through his sorrow at his aunt’s recent passing.

 

He’d made the promise years ago.  His uncle had still been alive and he had been barely a teenager.  He’d forgotten the promise after all those years.  Now it was back to haunt him.

 

“Can’t you do it, Kell?” he asked, knowing what the answer would be before he even asked.  Kelly had never gotten along with Aunt Minerva.

 

He heard her grunt and the rustle of clothing before she answered.

 

“Kenneth, she wanted you to do it, besides you know she never really liked me. I’m not even planning on going.”

 

Kelly was right and he had promised that he would take care of everything once Aunt Minerva died.  He was her only family.  The rest had died years ago.  All he would have to do was sell the house, or keep it for that matter.  Aunt Minerva had made it clear that she didn’t care what he decided to do with the house once she was gone.

 

“There’s not much to do,” Kelly continued.  “You know how auntie was.  All you have to do is sell Lamb House and be there for the reading of the will.”

 

Lamb House was what his aunt called the old mansion that she lived in most of her life.  Forty miles from Duluth, the place still held a fond place in Hutch’s heart, but he preferred that it stay only a memory.  He had no desire to go back.

 

“I have to do a lot more than that and you know it,” he said, regretting the bitter edge in his voice.

 

Silence filled the void between them and then she spoke again, her pleading tone nearly making him scream.

 

“So dad will be there.  So mom will be there, but it’s only for the reading of the will.  A few hours at best.  Besides, isn’t it time to bury the hatchet?”

 

Hutch snorted.  “Yeah, but they want to bury the hatchet in me.”

 

Kelly said nothing to that statement.  Hutch closed his eyes as the pounding in his head grew in intensity.  He hoped it wasn’t a migraine coming on. 

 

“She loved and respected you.  You know that Kenneth,” Kelly said, referring to his aunt.  “And you know she and I were never close.”

 

Hutch’s hand grasped the telephone even tighter, as if holding it could keep what his sister was saying from penetrating his resolve.  She said his name again, Kenneth, the name he hadn’t heard in two years.  That was the last time they had spoken and even then it had been over the telephone.  He hadn’t laid eyes on a blood relative in five years.  Hadn’t seen his parents or spoken to them for that matter in over ten.  Simply put, his parents were dead to him.  He prefered it that way.    

 

He’d heard about his aunt’s death only a week ago.  It had hit him hard, but he hadn’t gone to the funeral.  He just didn’t want to see his parents.  Kelly had been the only person he cared about in the family, at least since his uncle passed away.  He’d wanted to see Kelly, but not if it meant seeing his parents as well.  Now she was asking him to do the impossible—go home. It terrified him.

 

“Please, Kenneth, It was her last wish.”

 

She was pulling out all the stops now.  She knew what it took to get to him and she was using it to her full advantage.  He loved his sister, but right now he felt his anger rising.  She of all people knew what she was asking.

 

Again he looked at the empty chair across from him, feeling the misdirected anger boiling again and quelling it immediately. 

 

“I can’t Kelly.  You know that.  It’s asking too much.  Can’t we hire…”

 

“It was her last wish.   It’s the least you could do for a woman who was like a mother to you.”

 

That hurt, but it was true.  Still he hadn’t seen her in ages, and didn’t want to go back there now that she was dead. 

 

 

Hutch heard the door open and close and then felt his partner touch his shoulder as if he knew he was dying right now.   But then Starsky would be able to sense his distress.  It was their way.  

 

He gave a sigh of relief which Kelly misinterpreted.

 

“Thanks Kenneth,” she said gratefully.  “It won’t be bad, you’ll see.” 

 

Hutch braced himself.  By now Starsky was sitting on his desk, their eyes locked on each other.  Hutch knew he looked a sight.  He always did when it involved his family.

 

“Please, don’t ask me to do this, Kelly.”

 

“But I am asking, Kenneth,” said the insistent voice.  “I haven’t asked much of you, but I’m asking for this now.  It’s what she wanted.  You owe her.”

 

Hutch closed his eyes, clutching the telephone until his knuckles turned white.   “Okay, I’ll see what I can do,” he said slowly.

 

“Thanks, Kenneth.  You won’t regret it.”

 

But he already was.

 

Hutch hung up the telephone, his trembling hand briefly lingering on the receiver.  Starsky put his hand on top of the blond’s.  For a moment, no words were needed, but finally Starsky spoke, his voice so low that only Hutch could hear him,  

 

“What’s going on, Blondie?” Starsky asked, his cobalt blue eyes darkening in concern.

 

“Nothing much,” he grimaced.  “Just Kelly asking me to come home.”

 

Hutch looked down at their entwined hands.  Certainly not something two tough detectives should do in a room full of fellow officers, but he needed the contact, in fact he craved it.  Simply put, he was scared, so scared, that even he couldn’t understand it.  Yes, it was always hard seeing his parents, but this went beyond that.

 

“Come on,” Starsky stood, releasing his hand.  “Let’s get out of here and you can tell me all about it.”

 

Hutch stood, grabbing his jacket.  “You just got here, Starsk.  We can’t just go…”

 

“Dobey will understand.  Now come on.  I know one great Italian restaurant.”

 

“But it’s only,” Hutch grabbed Starsky’s wrist and looked at his watch.  “Ten o’clock,”

 

“Yeah, the joint don’t open till eleven, but I know the owner.  She’s always tellin’ me to stop by so she can put some meat on my bones.  Let’s go.”

 

 

 

One hour later they were sitting in a quiet, secluded restaurant, enjoying ham and eggs prepared by the kindly proprietor.

 

Mrs. Santini had welcomed the detectives with open arms.  She was a plump woman in her sixties with brown eyes, and a gracious smile.  She had spoken animatedly about how pleased she was not only to have the dark-haired detective visit her for breakfast, but also because he’d brought his partner as well.  Now she had two detectives to dote on.  Hutch had immediately relaxed in her presence.  He knew Starsky had selected the restaurant for just that purpose.  Again his partner had anticipated his needs.

 

“Thank you,” he said, looking gratefully at the brunet.  “I needed this.”

 

The blond took a sip of his coffee and settled back in the chair.

 

“So you ready to talk?” Starsky asked, looking intently at the blond.

 

“Okay,” Hutch took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “I’ll tell you what’s been happening.”

 

 

It had started two weeks ago when his Aunt Minerva had taken a turn for the worse.  The old lady was nearing seventy now and lived alone in a large mansion outside Duluth. She was dying from an aggressive form of cancer that she’d only known about for the past month.  Hutch hadn’t seen her since his uncle died twenty years ago.  She was his aunt by marriage and rich long before she’d married his uncle.  Now she was dead, leaving him as executor of her will.

 

It wouldn’t be so bad if he didn’t have to put up with his mother and father, but they would be there for the reading of the will, his father no doubt hoping his aunt had left him with a sizable portion of her money. 

 

 

“My Aunt Minerva married my uncle twenty-five years ago.  She was nearly fifteen years older when they married, but she loved him.  Not too sure about him though.”  Hutch said, staring into his cup of coffee, his mind going back to the first time he’d met her. 

 

“So your aunt left all of her money  to your family?” Starsky asked, confusion clouding his features.

 

Hutch snorted.  “The Hutchinson’s were the only family she had left.  She wasn’t blood, but they treated her like she was.” Hutch said, leaning his head back and rubbing his eyes tiredly.  “No doubt because of all of that money.”

 

“So you in her will?”

 

“Kelly said so, but I don’t know.  She could have changed it at the last minute for all I know.  I haven’t seen her in twenty years.”

 

Hutch looked at Starsky, his eyes searching.  “I don’t ever want to go anywhere near Duluth.”

 

“Hutch, I know what you said about your folks, but if it’s your aunt’s…”

 

Hutch slammed his hand on the table, startling the brunet.

 

“She knew how I felt.  Why could she do this to me?”  Hutch shouted.

 

He knew it was wrong not to honor her last wish.  They had been close once. Aunt Minerva was like the mother he’d dreamed of and his uncle the father.  He owed her because she had shown him love when he so desperately craved it. 

 

 “I loved them both.  My uncle… I don’t know how I would have made it without him,” Hutch whispered, his voice cracking, his hand wound so tightly around the mug of steaming coffee that he thought it would burst.

 


”He was like a father to me and then one day he died and I couldn’t go back there again.”  He looked at the brunet, his eyes searching for understanding.  Seeing it in the cobalt blue eyes he continued.  “I haven’t been there since the summer he died.  God Starsk, I don’t..I...I…”

 

“Well, you don’t have to go back.” Starsky said.

 

“Don’t you see, I promised.  I promised her that when the time came, I would take care of it.  Kelly’s right.  I gave her my word.”

 

 

 “But that was years ago Hutch.  You were just a kid.  Surely your aunt didn’t expect…”

 

“She expected me to keep my promise,” Hutch added looking up at the brunet, fighting back the threatening tears.  “She expected me to be the man she taught me to be.”

 

“But at what cost?” Starsky asked.  “Look at you.  You’re a basket case.  Your hands are shaking, you look like you’re about to collapse, you….”

 

 

“I look like I’ve been to hell and back,” Hutch leaned forward, his mouth in a tight grimaced.  “You don’t have any idea of the hell my family put me through.  Aunt Minerva and Uncle Walter were all I had.  They are the two people who kept me from blowing my brains out.”

 

Starsky started at this announcement making Hutch regret he’d ever said anything.  Hutch shook his head and attempted a smile.  “I’m sorry.  I don’t know why I said that.”

 

“Because it’s true?  Were things that bad, Hutch?” Starsky asked, his hand reaching across the table and clutching the blond’s arm. 

 

Hutch could see the pain Starsky was in and hated himself for causing it, but it was true.  At one time in his life he had felt so low that anything would have been better.  Even death. 

 

He looked away.  Somehow seeing the pain in Starsky’s eyes made it harder to say the rest.  But he needed for his partner to know.  At least part of it. “Hey look.  I was a teenager.  Wouldn’t be the first kid that wanted to blow his brains out.”

 

Starsky winced.  “Did you…God Hutch, did you try to…”

 

“No.  My aunt asked for custody of me.  After that I was okay.”

 

He could see the relief in the brunet’s eyes.  “Promise me you’ll never do it.”

 

Hutch locked eyes with Starsky.  “You know I would never take my own life, but back then…back then, before my aunt and uncle, I was alone and I couldn’t deal with it.   It would have been different if Kelly had been older.  Maybe then I would have had somebody to live for, but…God Starsk this scares the shit out of me.” 

 

 

Hutch rubbed his head against the rising headache.  How could he go back.  Going back meant remembering just how bad his life had been.  Going back meant seeing a family who didn’t love him and admitting that it still hurt.  Going back meant he could lose himself.  He felt it now--losing himself to the past, the pain, the fear.   He felt it eating away at him, like some cancer that slowly took your life.   And then he heard a voice, soft, reassuring.

 

“Then we go back together,” Starsky said.  “You don’t do it alone.  We go back.”

 

And then Hutch knew he could do it, but at what cost?

 

 

TBC

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