ALL YOU CAN EAT

By M.Willow

“Please, Mister, you gotta leave.  I’m almost out of food.”  

“I don’t care, bring more.  My wife has had me on a diet for two months now.  I’ve had nothing but vegetables, vegetables, and more vegetables.  That diets got too many restrictions and I’m hungry.”

“But I don’t have anymore.  You’ve eaten everything at the buffet table and it’s closing time.”

“Listen, read that sign” the large man said while pointing to a sign that hung over the buffet table.  “It say’s ‘all you can eat’.  I want to eat more.  It doesn’t say I’ve gotta eat by a certain time.  It says ‘all you can eat’.  Bring more food,” the large man said while hitting the table.

Huggy turned around and walked dejectedly back to the kitchen and sent one of the waiters to the store next door to buy chicken.

It was only two months ago when Huggy Bear got the idea of having an all you can eat night at The Pits.  He already served food, so it was just a matter of setting up a buffet table and he was in business.   Everything seemed fine.  More customers came in and he made tons of money, until now.  Now he stared back at the table, watching the large man, plug another piece of chicken into his mouth.  

The man had arrived around six o’clock that night.  He was a tall man who weighed at least four hundred pounds.  He had grabbed a plate and filled it with food and then returned shortly thereafter and filled another plate.  Huggy was not immediately concerned—most people had more than one serving.  In fact, he hadn’t noticed that the man was still there four hours later.   And then Diane came into the kitchen and requested more fried chicken.  It seemed the large man loved chicken.  Huggy was surprised, after all, he had made enough food to last the night.   Now it was three o’clock in the morning and the restaurant was empty of all customers except the man.

He looked into the dinning room at the large man.  He had seated himself on a chair with wheels and moved back and forward between the buffet tables.  Now that the club was empty, he no longer attempted to hide his bad table manners.  He grabbed chicken directly from the serving trays and plugged them into his mouth. 

Huggy reached for the phone.  This was a job for the Dynamic Duo.

Starsky and Hutch were just about to complete their shift when the call came in. 

“Zebra three, Zebra three.”

Hutch reached for the radio.   “Zebra three responding.”

“See the man at the Pits about an overeater,” the dispatcher said.

Starsky looked at Hutch with puzzlement. 

“Repeat control.   Did you say ‘see the man about an overeater?’” Hutch asked.

“That is correct.”

Starsky looked at Hutch and said, “The Pits should be closed now.  Maybe he’s in trouble and it’s a code or somethin’.”

 “Or maybe some new slang that we haven’t heard yet.” Hutch added.

“Yeah, we better hurry and get over there.”   

Hutch slapped the Mars light onto the car and Starsky took off.  They arrived at Huggy’s in minutes turning the Mars light and the siren off as they neared the restaurant.   

“I think we should be careful going in, just in case.”  Starsky said.  

They slowly approached The Pits.  Hutch went high and Starsky low as they crashed through the door, gun in hand.  They immediately knew something was wrong.  The club was empty except for the presence of one large man and a very scared, shaking Huggy.

“Man.  What’s with the door thing?  Why’d you just come in like normal folk?” Huggy said.  

The large man continued to eat, scarcely looking up at the officers. 

“Huggy.  What’s going on here?  I thought you were in trouble.”  Strarsky said while putting his gun away.

“Trouble.  Where d’ ya get that idea.  I told the dispatcher the problem.”

“Overeater, Huggy,” Hutch said with exasperation.

“Yeah and you’re looking at the man in question.” Huggy said pointing to the large man.  “Man, I aint’ got a chicken left in the joint and he still won’t leave.  Told me it’s an all you can eat joint and he ain’t done eatin’.”

Hutch tried desperately to prevent himself from laughing, but lost it when Starsky started to laugh.

“I’m glad you guys find this funny, but I’m going broke here.   And the stores around here have run out of chicken.  From the looks of it, you might have to find yourself someplace else to find delicious liquors,” Huggy said with indignation.

“Okay, okay,”  Starsky said.  “Let’s see what we can do.”

Starsky strutted over to the large man followed by Hutch. 

“Mr…Mr….”  Hutch said waiting for the man to supply his name. 

The man looked up at him as if he were interrupting the best meal he had ever had.   

“Walters.  The name is Walters.  Why don’t you guys join me.  I hate eating alone” he said without looking up from the plate of chicken.

Hutch took a seat.  “We’re not hungry.  I was wondering.  Are you aware that it is almost four o’clock in the morning?  I mean the restaurant closes at two.” 

“Yeah, yeah.  The skinny guy over there told me.   But you see this is my last night to eat,”  he said hungrily while popping another piece of chicken in his mouth.  

Starsky and Hutch looked questionly at each other.  

“What do you mean, ‘Last night’?”  Starsky asked.

“Well,   you see, my wife got me on one of those rabbit diets.  You know plenty of vegetables.   No chicken, no taste,” he said rubbing his stomach.  “Man,   I’ve never been so  hungry.  I’ve been on that diet for two months and sure, I lost some weight.  But it ain’t worth it.  I’m hungry.”

Hutch looked perplexingly at Mr. Walters.  “I don’t get it.  You said it’s your last chance to eat.  Why can’t you just come back here tomorrow or the next day?”

“Well.  You see the wife’s out of town.  She’ll be back tomorrow and this place only has the buffet on Wednesday nights.  Best fried chicken in the world.  I’ve been waitin’ for the old ball and chain to leave for two months.”  The man licked each finger greedily and then rolled over to the buffet table to retrieve more chicken. 

“Hey, Skinny,” he shouted.  “Bring some more chicken, only a few pieces left,” he said while rolling back to the two detectives.

Huggy was staring at the man, shooting daggers with his eyes, then turned around and walked into the kitchen. 

“Look, sir.  I know the chicken is good, but you eating him out of house and home,” Hutch asserted.

“Yeah, that’s tough,” he said slowly. “And I actually feel sorry for the little fellow, but a man’s gotta think about himself.  I’ve been waiting a long time to eat here.  I’m hungry and it’s an all you can eat joint so I’m eating all that I can.”

“Sir, I know your wife is out of town. But why can’t you eat when she’s not around?  I mean, surely you can sneak a meal or two,” Starsky said.

“Spotters.  The wife’s got spotters everywhere.  Hell, she knows the whole damn town. I so much as sneak a breath mint and she’s gonna hear about it.”  

Starsky nodded his head at Hutch pointing toward the kitchen.  Both men got up and walked toward Huggy who was carrying a large plate of chicken.

“Got any suggestions, Starsk?” Hutch asked.

“Not a one.  But how much can one man eat?”  

“I can answer that one.”  Huggy shouted.  “That’s about the 10^th chicken dinner not to mention the mounds of potatoes.  Man, you gotta do something.”

“So what are the rules?  Hutch asked looking at Huggy.

“Rules.  What are you talking about?”  Huggy answered while putting the chicken on the buffet table.

“There must be rules.  You know.  Something to keep the public from over indulging.”  Hutch answered. 

“Man this is a restaurant.  There ain’t no rules.  Most people can’t eat that much.” Huggy said.  

“Okay, okay.  I got an idea,” Starsky said.

“An idea.  Well what’re you waiting for?  Let’s hear it.”  Huggy said impatiently.

“Gonna need the help of a female reporter I know to carry it out.  Let me make a phone call.” Starsky said. 

It was two hours later and three sets of eyes sat watching the large man move from one part of the buffet table to the next heaping mounds of potatoes and chicken onto a plate. 

“It’s amazing isn’t it?   Like watching something about to explode and ya can’t take your eyes off it.” Hutch said.  

“Yeah, I dig watcha mean.” Huggy said. 

Suddenly, the door opened and a team of about twenty reporters and camera men charged toward the large man.  One of the reporters shoved a microphone in the man’s face effectively preventing him from taking a bite of the chicken.

Another reporter spoke in a monotone manner facing the camera.

“It has come to our attention that a world record is about to be broken ladies and gentleman.   You see before you a man who has eaten more chicken than any man alive.   When he takes his next bite, he would have broken the record of the famous Chicken Man of Nebraska—a record that has been held for the past 75 years.”  

“Sir, sir, what is your name, and how long have you been in this restaurant?” asked the tall reporter.

“Sir, sir, how does it feel  to break the Chicken man’s record?” Another reporter asked.

“Sir, sir, what gave you the idea, the incentive to go for such an unbreakable record?” The blonde reporter asked.

The large man’s face turned completely red and for a second, he looked as if he were about to explode. 

“Get that camera away from me,” he shouted while pushing the cameraman away.  “Get away from me.  If my wife finds out I’m a dead man.”

The large man stood up, shaking from head to foot.  A piece of chicken fell from his hands.  

“I gotta get out of here,” he shouted. 

He ran for the door, cameras and reporters following closely behind.

“Please,” one reporter shouted.  “Just one more bite and you can be the record holder for eating the most chicken in 75 years.

The large man opened the door and ran down the street.   Starsky, Hutch and Huggy Bear were laughing with tears in their eyes. 

One hour later, Huggy was preparing for the breakfast crowd and removing the ‘all you can eat signs’ and the buffet tables.  Starsky was getting cozy with a certain blonde female reporter.

“Thanks, for helping us out Greta,” Starsky said.

“Anytime,” she said seductively.

“By the way, how did you convince all the reporters to come here?” Starsky asked. 

“They’re not reporters.  Just friends of mine.  We all thought it was funny, so we decided to help you out.  I borrowed the equipment and here we are.”

“Remind me to find a way to thank you sometime,” Starsky said.

“No time like the present,” Greta said and they left The Pits arm in arm. 

Fin